Talking with older people about money

Thinking about needing to leave your home is one of the hardest issues to face, so it could be an incredibly hard conversation to have.

Leaving emotion out of it can be difficult because of the huge life changes ahead – for you and your relative.

Things you could discuss include:

• who will care for them when they’re older?
• where would they like to live if they can no longer live at home?
• who might they like to make decisions for them if they no longer can?
• what is their vision of how their end-of-life care will look?
• are they struggling with their finances? If so, what would they like to do about it?
• are they having problems with their memory?

The main thing is, the sooner you talk about it, the better.

It’s important not to leave it to the point when your relative needs urgent care. As the only choices available at that point may not be what they really wanted, and this could make things more stressful for everyone.

• Keep things general. Talk about others who have been through similar experiences recently relating to care, and how they are dealing with it – the good and the bad.
• You could talk about what you would want when you’re older, so the conversation remains open and inclusive.
• If you bring the subject up early enough, you can speak very generally about care homes. You can gauge their wishes then, so you can act appropriately when the time comes.

When it comes to caring for your parents, it's important to have open conversations with relatives or siblings about how to share responsibilities in a way that works for everyone.

These discussions can help ensure that your parent remains in control for as long as possible while also preventing misunderstandings or resentment among family members. You can also find ways you can support your parent in our guide Help managing everyday money.

If one relative or a sibling takes on most of the caregiving, they might start feeling overwhelmed or resentful, while others who can't contribute as much may feel guilty.

By talking early on about what each person can realistically offer, you can avoid tension and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Some key questions to discuss include:

• who will tell your parent if you feel the time has come for them to move residential care?
• who will take the responsibility for arranging a move into care if needed?
• who will take responsibility for telephone calls from the care home?
• how will you share visiting responsibilities?

You might also want to consider a family care contract, where a relative providing the most care gets paid from family funds. This can help ease financial pressure and recognise the time and effort involved in caregiving.

A family care contract can offer benefits such as:

• allowing your parents to stay at home longer
• ensuring they receive quality care from someone they trust
• providing financial support to the primary caregiver.

If your parent has mental capacity, they can decide how to use their money, including paying a relative for care.

But the payment must be affordable and reasonable for the level of care provided.

It's important to have a written agreement, usually called a family care contract, to clarify expectations and protect both the carer and the parent receiving care.

The agreement should outline:

• what care will be provided
• when it will be provided, and
• how much the carer will be paid.

Leaving a job to provide care does not mean the carer should receive their previous salary as care work typically pays much less. Carers should research local pay rates to ensure fair compensation. Be aware that professional carers usually have qualifications, training, and work for agencies that follow strict regulations.

A family care contract is a legally binding document, so everyone must understand what's involved before setting one up. It’s a good idea to seek legal advice from a care specialist first. See our guide Help funding care – how to get advice.

If your parent later qualifies for direct payments for care, the rules about paying family members vary across the UK, so it's worth looking into the details for your area.

You can find out more on the Carers UK websiteOpens in a new window

Working out the best way to pay for care home fees can be extremely complicated and it’s worth planning ahead.

To find out more about how to have conversations with an older relative, including practical tips and advice on how to make important decisions, go to the Independent Age websiteOpens in a new window

You can offer support by helping with bills, opening post, or accompanying them to bank appointments.

To make sure your loved one is protected if they were to lose mental capacity, you could try to talk to them about making and registering a power of attorney.

This gives a named person legal authority to make important financial decisions on behalf of someone if they’re unable to do it themselves. It usually begins when they lose mental capacity – but can be whenever they choose it to start.

Waiting until someone has lost mental capacity before setting up a lasting power of attorney makes things much more complicated and can delay urgent decisions, such as paying for care home fees.

You would need to get medical proof the person no longer has mental capacity, then ask the court to appoint someone to oversee their affairs. It’s expensive and your loved one might end up with someone making decisions about their life they would not have chosen.

Conversations about power of attorney can be triggered by:

• seeing a news story or TV show about power of attorney
• a relevant life event, like a friend’s parent moving into care
• after a medical diagnosis that may affect their decision-making ability when they’re making or updating their will.

It’s important to respect your loved one’s views and make it clear that you’re not trying to take over their financial affairs. However, it’s worth explaining:

• they're still in control
• the power of attorney only takes effect once registered or when they decide
• they can cancel it anytime if they have mental capacity
• it's better for a loved one to make decisions than a court-appointed stranger
• it can take 10 weeks if there are no mistakes in the application to register, so it's better to act early. 

If you’re worried about how the person you want to talk to might react and want help on how to handle a conversation about money, including about care issues, download our Talking with older people about money (Opens in a new window) (PDF/A, 2.5MB) guide.